How many times have things happened in your life and you thought or said aloud, “I am SO FUCKED!, Fuck MY Life, Fuck this, etc. I think you get the picture. I say, think or feel this at times of frustration, anger, disappointment, hurt, or habit. I think that cursing is something that many of us use to express emotions without physically reacting to others actions, or our own thoughts and fears. We may view others actions as a personal attack and one of our quickest and sharpest defense mechanisms is our tongue. Sometimes we verbally express this, sometimes our body language reveals it, and sometimes we say it over and over in our own heads as to not hurt the person you feel hurt by. Anyway, the way we think about ourselves and speak to ourselves has a direct impact on how we will handle future conflict, how we navigate obstacles real or perceived, and how we interact with the world around us.
So how do we get out of our own head and re-direct the negative energy that sometimes fills us to the brim? I have listed 3 important steps to help re-direct, reconnect and re-establish a positive mind set to conquer all the fear filled chatter in our heads!
Step 1. Know THINE SELF Motha Fucka!! (Insert Samuel L. Jackson voice)
You can’t possible try to shift a shitty attitude or try to adjust your perception if you have no clue who you are, why you are and where you want to be. We are all born with a certain temperament. This is our animal nature, referred to as our disposition, character, make-up, personality, spirit etc. For simplicity, we can narrow this down to tow different types. I highly recommend the book, “The Dance of the Lion and the Unicorn” by Mark Waller, PHD. and psychotherapist. He breaks this down in great detail and is easy to understand. Calm the fuck down, we all need a good psychotherapy session every now and again and if you think you don’t, you are more fucked up than you know or care to admit. You don’t have to experience a tragedy or betrayal to do self-work and practice self-love. It is a process to commit to for life. Just sayin….
Mark breaks compares our temperament to that of two different types of animals. One real, the lion and the mythical creature, the unicorn. Your temperament is the way you came into the World, before your parents fucked you up, before you had your hearts broken, before you lived in fear and before you even had the ability to reason. I won’t get into the specifics here about the different characteristics of each however, you can begin to decipher by assessing your behavior when are faced with crisis or conflict. Do you face challenge head on or do you typically retreat and avoid any conflict? Understanding this will help you discover patterns of behavior that may be keeping you from the Rockstar you want to be. I will let you guess which animal I mostly relate to. I do believe we are all born with this gift and it is our job to harness it’s powers, strengthen the areas we may be lacking in and to find the balance between the Lion and the Unicorn. I highly recommend checking out his book and you can find it on the side bar>>>>>>
Step 2. Unlearn Everything you Think you Knew. *Note: you must do step 1 in order to do step 2.
Once you figure out your natural state, you will then be able to hold your values, beliefs and principles up for inspection. You can begin to determine whether your values were taught to you, handed down from family, or observed from media or society. Just because something is socially acceptable does not mean you have to go along or agree. Our job is to question all of it guys! Where do you get you news from? What is filling your social media pages? What are you gossiping about with your girlfriends? We have a very skewed view of what is real and truth and what is made up. Approaching every aspect of your life this way is vital in order to change the way you actually think. When you feel yourself revert back to old thinking patterns that didn’t serve you, you must be able to flip the switch, remove your emotions, breathe, and put a fresh set of spectacles on. None of this is easy….it’s not supposed to be. Comfort is a job for your pillows and your mattress. Your job is never stop discovering new. One of mentors, Cameron Shayne says it best, “Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comforted”. That is how I approach clients, friends, family and myself everyday. Having a good ole honest friend who can deliver you a dose of reality and keep your story in check while managing to be kind in the process is a blessing. All you have to do, is be honest, really honest and you won’t want to live any other way. I don’t always get it right. Often times I am afraid of what people will think if I am completely myself and honest about what I think. I am also afraid to hurt people’s feelings, that I may disturb them and cause pain. That is when a little finesse comes in. You can still be honest, hold your ground and be yourself without harming anyone. This is why it is important to evaluate your beliefs. If you know why you believe in something, there will be no question when it comes time to defend that belief. You will be able to articulate your position while allowing other points of view to not disturb you.
Step 3. Non-Attachment
The suffering we feel, the hurt we have experienced and the times we think the World is taking a royal shit on us happen when we set up an expectation and attach meaning to it. For instance, you loose your job, you lover leaves you with no explanation, your friend didn’t show up when you needed her/him, your boss is being an asshole and asked you to stay late and you have plans, whatever the day throws at you, seems to disturb your peace. It’s as if these people and situations are trying to sabotage your life. At least it can feel that way. The truth is, nobody has the power over you to make you feel anything. We choose the pain, and we choose the medication. Meaning, first we have an emotional reaction, and it’s visceral…your heart races, you sweat, your fists clench etc. We allow our emotions to override all common sense and then our ego will administer the meds. Your ego will lash out, or retreat, and your usual defense mechanisms rear their ugly heads. We are so attached to the outcome of situations that we often forget that we set those expectations ourselves. We make that shit up !! Chances are, nobody is out to get you, nobody wants to hurt you purposely, and nobody wants you to suffer. Only a real asshole wants that…and we don’t need to talk about them.
The minute we can let go of the end game and learn to enjoy and navigate our own path we can begin to feel what it’s like to live in the present, without fear of the future while letting go of the past. I work on this continually, some days I am good at it and some days I gargle toilet water and pull the covers over my head. I just keep trying to be better than yesterday…
These are just a few of my thoughts…like it or not, I am not attached to how you may feel about it. In fact, each of you will perceive and react to this differently, as it should be! It just IS !! Just be YOU! Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Oh and remember, it’s all made up anyway!